Honestly, I am okay.
I have been getting enough sleep; not too much and not too little – which is always an indicator that I am doing okay. I have been having some very vivid dreams, though, which makes me wonder a lot of things. The thing that makes me think so much about these dreams is that they’re so vivid and honest but during the dreams, I am very aware that it is just a dream and very much not a reality. However, I don’t want the dream to come to an end because that dream reality is what I wish for. Does that make sense? That my actual dreams while I am asleep are realities I wish I could have. But I know I can’t. So I settle for the dreams and live through them. I certainly look forward to them. And even during the dreams, I know that they are just a dream but that is okay with me. Then I wake up and feel this pain in my heart that I know I’ll feel every single time I wake up from those dreams. But that’s reality, right? That is how I must live. In a constant state of, “What if?” and “If only…”
But honestly, I am okay. I really am.
I am hopeful, every single moment of my life, I am hopeful. Not so recklessly optimistic, per se, but hopeful and ready for whatever comes my way.
This is my motto/resolution/rule/promise to myself for the year of 2016.
I mean, it’s something I live by anyway, but I’m trying extra hard to live by this.
I’ve hurt a lot of people in my life. People I’ve never meant to hurt. But I own up to my mistakes and weaknesses – I have hurt a lot of people and I spend every minute of every single day and night sending quiet little “I’m sorry’s” and I forever will until my last breath.
But I’m conscious of that now and I know what I’m doing, who I’m hurting, and how I’m hurting them.
I will do more harm. I will try not to do any more harm to anyone – myself included. I’m trying to live a more wholesome and kind life. I have been trying for quite a while now and I always try to be a good person, a good human being.
On the same note, I will do my best to not take anyone’s sh*t. I will not take blame for things I am not to blame for. I will say “no” when I want to and I will say “yes” when I want to. I will not take part in fake and phony friendships and relationships. I will stand up for myself and for anyone who needs me to stand up for them. I will be who I want to be with no remorse.
I will be a kind human being. A loving and genuine human being.
I will do no harm (but I will take no sh*t).
I’ve always been a fan of the calm before the storm.
I like the sleepless night before a big trip. I like the car ride to the concert venue. I like the jamming out to music while getting ready. I like psyching someone out before a big event. I like planning surprises. I like surprising people with tickets.
I just really like the calm before the storm. There’s some eeriness to it that gets to me. I like waiting for things and planning for things. It makes me feel invincible knowing anything can happen.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have a tendency to fall into a minor/major slump after something big. I go through some depression after a major concert, a big trip, or any big event – it’s hard to deal with something being over after waiting for it for so long.
I’ve bought tickets for concerts years before the concert date and I can tell you, it feels so amazing waiting oh so patiently and getting ready for the big day – but I can also tell you how awful the post-concert depression feels.
Even thought I like the anticipation, sometimes I feel stuck and impatient while waiting – like I can’t do anything in anticipation. But I guess that’s life, huh?
This is one of my favorite quotes by AA Milne (author of Winnie the Pooh)
“Well,” said Pooh, “what I like best,” and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn’t know what it was called.”
I’ve been gone for a long time. There’s countless reasons why. The truth is, I’ve been busy. Grad school and work take up almost all of my time. The rest of the time I have left in my days and weeks is divided between family-time, me-time, and socializing-time. Oh, and sleep.
The way I see it, life is a pie-chart and this is what mine currently looks like:
As you can see, my life is a seemingly organized, yet an actual mess right now. I even gave socializing an 8% when that is definitely not the case at all. Most of the time, me-time, socializing, and sleep start to jumble up into one and usually just become sleep because that is what I need the most.
As a new semester begins next week, I know that this pie-chart is going to become this:
Wish me luck, you guys…and a welcome back!
I plan to update this blog semi-regularly…I promise.