“What if?” and “If only…”

 

Honestly, I am okay.

I have been getting enough sleep; not too much and not too little – which is always an indicator that I am doing okay. I have been having some very vivid dreams, though, which makes me wonder a lot of things. The thing that makes me think so much about these dreams is that they’re so vivid and honest but during the dreams,  I am very aware that it is just a dream and very much not a reality. However, I don’t want the dream to come to an end because that dream reality is what I wish for. Does that make sense? That my actual dreams while I am asleep are realities I wish I could have. But I know I can’t. So I settle for the dreams and live through them. I certainly look forward to them. And even during the dreams, I know that they are just a dream but that is okay with me. Then I wake up and feel this pain in my heart that I know I’ll feel every single time I wake up from those dreams. But that’s reality, right? That is how I must live. In a constant state of, “What if?” and “If only…”

But honestly, I am okay. I really am.

I am hopeful, every single moment of my life, I am hopeful. Not so recklessly optimistic, per se, but hopeful and ready for whatever comes my way.