“What if?” and “If only…”
Honestly, I am okay.
I have been getting enough sleep; not too much and not too little – which is always an indicator that I am doing okay. I have been having some very vivid dreams, though, which makes me wonder a lot of things. The thing that makes me think so much about these dreams is that they’re so vivid and honest but during the dreams, I am very aware that it is just a dream and very much not a reality. However, I don’t want the dream to come to an end because that dream reality is what I wish for. Does that make sense? That my actual dreams while I am asleep are realities I wish I could have. But I know I can’t. So I settle for the dreams and live through them. I certainly look forward to them. And even during the dreams, I know that they are just a dream but that is okay with me. Then I wake up and feel this pain in my heart that I know I’ll feel every single time I wake up from those dreams. But that’s reality, right? That is how I must live. In a constant state of, “What if?” and “If only…”
But honestly, I am okay. I really am.
I am hopeful, every single moment of my life, I am hopeful. Not so recklessly optimistic, per se, but hopeful and ready for whatever comes my way.
Do No Harm (but take no sh*t)
This is my motto/resolution/rule/promise to myself for the year of 2016.
I mean, it’s something I live by anyway, but I’m trying extra hard to live by this.
I’ve hurt a lot of people in my life. People I’ve never meant to hurt. But I own up to my mistakes and weaknesses – I have hurt a lot of people and I spend every minute of every single day and night sending quiet little “I’m sorry’s” and I forever will until my last breath.
But I’m conscious of that now and I know what I’m doing, who I’m hurting, and how I’m hurting them.
I will do more harm. I will try not to do any more harm to anyone – myself included. I’m trying to live a more wholesome and kind life. I have been trying for quite a while now and I always try to be a good person, a good human being.
On the same note, I will do my best to not take anyone’s sh*t. I will not take blame for things I am not to blame for. I will say “no” when I want to and I will say “yes” when I want to. I will not take part in fake and phony friendships and relationships. I will stand up for myself and for anyone who needs me to stand up for them. I will be who I want to be with no remorse.
I will be a kind human being. A loving and genuine human being.
I will do no harm (but I will take no sh*t).
The Calm Before the Storm
I’ve always been a fan of the calm before the storm.
I like the sleepless night before a big trip. I like the car ride to the concert venue. I like the jamming out to music while getting ready. I like psyching someone out before a big event. I like planning surprises. I like surprising people with tickets.
I just really like the calm before the storm. There’s some eeriness to it that gets to me. I like waiting for things and planning for things. It makes me feel invincible knowing anything can happen.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have a tendency to fall into a minor/major slump after something big. I go through some depression after a major concert, a big trip, or any big event – it’s hard to deal with something being over after waiting for it for so long.
I’ve bought tickets for concerts years before the concert date and I can tell you, it feels so amazing waiting oh so patiently and getting ready for the big day – but I can also tell you how awful the post-concert depression feels.
Even thought I like the anticipation, sometimes I feel stuck and impatient while waiting – like I can’t do anything in anticipation. But I guess that’s life, huh?
This is one of my favorite quotes by AA Milne (author of Winnie the Pooh)
“Well,” said Pooh, “what I like best,” and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn’t know what it was called.”
There are few things I love more than a Winnie the Pooh gif…
I’m back…
I’ve been gone for a long time. There’s countless reasons why. The truth is, I’ve been busy. Grad school and work take up almost all of my time. The rest of the time I have left in my days and weeks is divided between family-time, me-time, and socializing-time. Oh, and sleep.
The way I see it, life is a pie-chart and this is what mine currently looks like:
My pie-chart created in 2 minutes with some random numbers and colors…
As you can see, my life is a seemingly organized, yet an actual mess right now. I even gave socializing an 8% when that is definitely not the case at all. Most of the time, me-time, socializing, and sleep start to jumble up into one and usually just become sleep because that is what I need the most.
As a new semester begins next week, I know that this pie-chart is going to become this:
I searched “mess” on google and this showed up…it was meant to be.
Wish me luck, you guys…and a welcome back!
I plan to update this blog semi-regularly…I promise.
My week in photos (9)
My week in photos (8)
It’s been a busy few weeks so I haven’t posted a lot, but I figured I would post about 2 weeks worth of photos that I’ve taken!
The fair came to town this week so there’s some pictures of that and then there’s just random photos I take on walks or wherever I am! Enjoy!
A mini Washington, DC tour in photos!
I went to Washington, DC with my sisters and friend yesterday and got some pretty cool pictures that I’d love to share! Enjoy and let me know which photos you like!
Please Don’t Give Up
It’s 2:52am and I should really be working on my 10-page paper due in a few days but I had an itch to write…so here I am.
There’s a lot I could write about and there’s a lot I have to say, but I won’t say any of it.
It’s almost 3am and I just have one thing running through my mind: “Don’t give up.”
There’s a lot I have going for me right now and there’s so much I’m happy about, and on the flip side, there’s a lot I still have to work on and so much I’m stressed and worried about.
This a message for you and me: Please don’t give up.
Whatever you have going on that’s worrying you, I promise it will get better. I promise that things will get better. All you have to do is not give up. That’s all.
And I know that’s so much easier to say than to do, but I’m telling you, I’ve had the lowest lows and so have you – but we’re both still here. We both find something to smile about everyday. I think that’s admirable and inspirational.
I could give up and you could give up, but what would that do? How would that help? It wouldn’t.
Try to be better than you were yesterday. That’s all. You are enough and you are stronger than you think. You have to keep going because one day you will look back at right now and you’ll be proud of how far you’ve come.
There’s countless things you have to do but I promise if you just get through one thing at a time, you will get through it.
Whatever is daunting you and hurting you, it will pass.
Just please don’t give up. Give every single day your absolute best. Go to bed knowing that you did your best and promise yourself to give tomorrow your all.
This is a message to you and it is a message to me.
Please don’t give up. I believe in you.
My Week in Photos! (7)
It’s been a busy busy week for me, but a very productive one as well! I went out to Old Town in Alexandria VA and spent a lot of time outdoors – the pictures don’t do any of it justice!
I hope you have an amazing week! 
May 13th 