I haven’t been on here for a while now, it’s been like a week or so, and I feel bad but there’s explanations for it. The past two weeks were so hectic and chaotic with finals and papers and it was all so exhausting, I barely had time for anything. On top of that, there was a bit going on with my family, and it’s been too much to deal with. This semester is over and I’m just waiting to graduate in a few days and there’s been so many changes taking place and I’ve just been trying to deal with it all.
I didn’t want to come on here and write a negative post, that’s not what I want this space to be, but I have to because that’s life and I can’t just come on here and write inspiring and motivational things and ignore the downs in my life.
So if anyone doesn’t want to read any negativity or anything like that, you can stop reading here and I won’t hold it against you.
I always get like this at the end of semesters, it’s how I deal with change. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of changes happening all together and it’s hard dealing with them all.
You know, I can deal with being alone. I’m an introvert, I like being alone and I love time alone. But there’s a difference in being alone and being lonely. And I’ve been dealing with both quite a bit for a while now. With school, I’m forced to be around people for periods of time and there’s a lot of people I love spending time with and there’s a few that I go out of my way to spend time with and I love that. But with school ending in such a big and abrupt way, it’s all coming to an end. I do get myself out there and I try to meet new people and all of that is fine but at the end of the day, I’m still alone and lonely. And none of this is to complain or put anyone down, it’s just life and my way to deal with it is to write about it.
Truth is, I have some amazing people in my life – people who I’m so lucky to have and I’m so lucky to have known. But when it comes down to it, I’m still alone and lonely in this great big world. I have my family, but sometimes it feels like I’m just stuck here. A lot of the time, I don’t feel like I belong here and I feel like an outsider. I can never seem to say or do the right things, even when I feel like I do so much. My best friend wants nothing to do with me and I don’t resent her for that, but it hurts and it hurts a lot, especially now. I have friends but it’s hard to make and keep friends when you have such a negative opinion about yourself sometimes.
My birthday is tomorrow and my graduation is in a few days and I am completely and utterly dreading both days. Two of the days that should make me so incredibly happy are two of the days I’m dreading the most. I’m dreading them because they’re going to exemplify just how alone I am and I’m not ready to deal with that at all.
It hurts so much because I’m the one who tries so hard to not let anyone around me feel like this and yet, here I am. One of my major goals in life is to make people feel special and loved and then look at me.
I wish I could just erase myself from everyone’s memory so they’d never have to deal with me. But still, I would never ever want to erase them from my memory.
A part of me knows that I’m just dealing with a low point right now and that it will get better and I will feel better soon, that’s how this works, but the other part of me knows that depression doesn’t go away and I’ll always have to deal with all of this in some way. And that makes me wonder if I’ll always be alone and this lonely. That’s what makes me sad, that’s what makes me want to escape.