Self-Blame, “I’m Sorry,” and Forgiveness

atiya513

For so long, I’ve taken blame for everything. Everything that has happened, I’ve taken the fault and the blame for it – even if it hasn’t been my fault at all. I always thought it was me being the bigger person and it was courageous of me to take the blame. Because I’ve been so scared of hurting others and God forbid they feel bad for their faults. Another reason has been because taking blame has been something I’ve had control over. It’s been one thing I can control and that was comforting. Blaming myself and hating myself meant I didn’t have to blame or hate or hurt anyone else and in a twisted way, that’s been comforting. It’s always felt like that just meant I was doing an ounce of good by taking the blame off of others.

My goodness, this has been such an awful way to live; and I’m glad I’m realizing this now so I can better myself.

On top of all of that, I am so tired of apologizing. In the big ways and in the small ways. I’m so tired of apologizing to everyone, all the time. It’s just worn me out. Saying “I’m sorry” all the time has just made me feel smaller and smaller.

Now, I’m not talking about apologizing for the things I’ve been to blame for. When I’m wrong and I know I’m wrong, I will apologize in the sincerest way. I’ve always done that, I do that, and I will continue to do that. I know when I’m wrong and while it might take me some time, the second I realize it and come to my senses, I apologize and I’m very genuine about it. The hurt I feel from unintentionally hurting others is so much greater than anything else I feel and even after I apologize, I do everything I can to make up for it. That’s the right way to go about it.

But I’m done taking blame and apologizing for things that aren’t my fault. Why should I? If you’re wrong and you’re to blame, you take the blame and you feel bad about it. I’m not going to break my back for everyone. Not anymore. I can’t. Own up to your mistakes your screw ups, just like I do.

This isn’t about anyone in particular and I don’t have anyone in mind, but it’s about everyone in general. Just because I care about people doesn’t mean their mistakes are my burden to bear, and vice versa. Yes, I will always make everyone feel better and I will always try to go the extra mile for everyone, but that doesn’t mean I have to take the blame. That’s not my obligation.

To end on a positive note, I also want to say that when someone is genuinely apologetic and you can tell that they are sincere and honest and that they feel so bad for whatever they did, forgive them. It might take time, but eventually, on your own time, forgive them – even if just for your own sake. It’s so painful living with anger; the kind of anger that just eats you from the inside out. Buddha once said, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” So stop drinking the poison. I know forgiving someone is so difficult and it takes so much out of you but in the long run, it gives you a peace of mind. It helps you sleep better at night. It makes you the bigger person.

In a way, I’m sorry to myself for taking blame for everything for so long, but I’m not sorry for being very forgiving and loving. That, I can’t be sorry for.

18 thoughts on “Self-Blame, “I’m Sorry,” and Forgiveness”

  1. Your post makes me want to cry. I can’t because I’m in class right now, but if I wasn’t, I would. Apologizing and taking the blame for others misbehavior has almost become my life. Sometimes, I try to stand up for myself mentally. I try to tell myself that I shouldn’t feel bad for the mean things someone else does to me.
    For example, if someone insults me and I say something rude back, I automatically hate myself for it. So now, if someone talks about me or is rude, I just don’t say anything. I take the blame. I tell myself things like, “Oh, it’s my fault for looking this way,” or, “It’s my fault for saying that.”
    And now I realize how…pathetic?…that mindset is. We shouldn’t have to hate ourselves for what other people do.
    And I’m so glad that you’re deciding to stick up for yourself and continue to be sincere when you do apologize, yet you’re not going to say sorry for every little thing either. I respect that. I really do.
    And one day, I hope I can be just like you. I hope I can look someone who doesn’t like me in the eye and not cower.

    Best of wishes,
    ~Santana

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    1. Oh my goodness, don’t cry, please don’t. And if you do cry, that’s okay. Crying is okay, it’s a release.
      I’m so sorry that you feel that way. No one should feel this way and I’m sorry that you do. It’s so much worse knowing that you feel this way than knowing I do. But I want you to know that you aren’t alone in feeling this way. Things have happened throughout your life that have made you feel this way but now you have control over how you feel. Realize that you have control. Speak to someone, a counselor, a therapist, anyone, who can help you sort through your feelings. Because the world is a scary and cruel place and you can’t always choose how it treats you, but you can choose how you react to it.
      Remember that how people treat you is not a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of them. Place blame where it is due and realize that you are a strong and powerful individual with a voice and you matter. How you feel matters. Who you are is a wonderful human being. None of this is pathetic – it’s so great that you are recognizing how you feel because now you can do something about it. And one day, that day is today. It’s all about taking small steps and smiling along the way.

      You can do it, I believe in you.

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  2. This is a good self-discovery. It is easy for others to have you take the blame because then they don’t have to take any responsibility for their actions. Good luck as you move forward.

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  3. This post resonated with me so much; it’s only recently that I’ve been beginning to realise just how harmful self-blaming is. Whenever someone insulted me or said something terrible about me in the heat of the moment and what they said wasn’t even true, I would still take every word to heart. I’m that type of person who would never show that I was hurt (I would remain pokerfaced and tear-less), but on the inside, I was being torn apart. And then afterwards, I would analyse every word that they said and blame myself for not being good enough and then blame myself for blaming myself, so it would become this vicious cycle that I couldn’t end. However, over the years and especially in recent months, I’ve taken a more positive turn in my life without realising that I did. I started getting into better habits, started loving myself more, and it’s reading posts like yours that really inspire me to keep on pursuing this kind of more positive outlook. So thank you. Really, thank you for sharing this.

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    1. I’m so sorry for all that you have gone through, you deserve better than that. But I am so glad you have gotten better at recognizing it. You can do it. You are much stronger than you may believe. And I am here to talk to if you need to 🙂

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  4. This post is very similar to me. One thing someone older and wiser told me is how apologizing is something that is a gift with a meaning and we need to save it when someone needs it. That has helped me. Good luck!

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  5. Pingback: No-Blame Wednesday | Into the Forgotten

  7. Beautiful piece.

    In the same light, two quotes to share with you:

    “Let go of the thoughts that weaken you. Hold on to the thoughts that strengthen you” Billy Cox

    “If forgiveness is medicine for the soul, then gratitude is vitamins” Steve Maraboli

    Take care.

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  8. Thank you for this beautiful post. For the longest time I’ve had to take the blame and apologize many times for a particular person in my life just to keep the peace. At the time, that person always made me their scapegoat and so I had low self esteem and no confidence. Realizing that self blaming is harmful and it’s holding me back was a pivotal moment in my life. So thank you for writing this.
    Here’s to being unapologetic!

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