For so long, I’ve taken blame for everything. Everything that has happened, I’ve taken the fault and the blame for it – even if it hasn’t been my fault at all. I always thought it was me being the bigger person and it was courageous of me to take the blame. Because I’ve been so scared of hurting others and God forbid they feel bad for their faults. Another reason has been because taking blame has been something I’ve had control over. It’s been one thing I can control and that was comforting. Blaming myself and hating myself meant I didn’t have to blame or hate or hurt anyone else and in a twisted way, that’s been comforting. It’s always felt like that just meant I was doing an ounce of good by taking the blame off of others.
My goodness, this has been such an awful way to live; and I’m glad I’m realizing this now so I can better myself.
On top of all of that, I am so tired of apologizing. In the big ways and in the small ways. I’m so tired of apologizing to everyone, all the time. It’s just worn me out. Saying “I’m sorry” all the time has just made me feel smaller and smaller.
Now, I’m not talking about apologizing for the things I’ve been to blame for. When I’m wrong and I know I’m wrong, I will apologize in the sincerest way. I’ve always done that, I do that, and I will continue to do that. I know when I’m wrong and while it might take me some time, the second I realize it and come to my senses, I apologize and I’m very genuine about it. The hurt I feel from unintentionally hurting others is so much greater than anything else I feel and even after I apologize, I do everything I can to make up for it. That’s the right way to go about it.
But I’m done taking blame and apologizing for things that aren’t my fault. Why should I? If you’re wrong and you’re to blame, you take the blame and you feel bad about it. I’m not going to break my back for everyone. Not anymore. I can’t. Own up to your mistakes your screw ups, just like I do.
This isn’t about anyone in particular and I don’t have anyone in mind, but it’s about everyone in general. Just because I care about people doesn’t mean their mistakes are my burden to bear, and vice versa. Yes, I will always make everyone feel better and I will always try to go the extra mile for everyone, but that doesn’t mean I have to take the blame. That’s not my obligation.
To end on a positive note, I also want to say that when someone is genuinely apologetic and you can tell that they are sincere and honest and that they feel so bad for whatever they did, forgive them. It might take time, but eventually, on your own time, forgive them – even if just for your own sake. It’s so painful living with anger; the kind of anger that just eats you from the inside out. Buddha once said, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” So stop drinking the poison. I know forgiving someone is so difficult and it takes so much out of you but in the long run, it gives you a peace of mind. It helps you sleep better at night. It makes you the bigger person.
In a way, I’m sorry to myself for taking blame for everything for so long, but I’m not sorry for being very forgiving and loving. That, I can’t be sorry for.