I told myself I wasn’t going to bring negativity onto this blog; that I was going to keep it all positive and inspiring and motivational. Then today I’ve been having a sort of bad mental day – my thoughts are all over the place and I’m disorganized and overwhelmed and pretty hurt. There’s probably many reasons for all of this, but that’s not what I’m going to dwell on. I was feeling pretty off and I thought about writing a long post on here and then I stopped and told myself that it wasn’t going to be productive for me to bring negativity onto here, but then I went for a drive and thought about it all and decided that negativity is a part of life and I can’t ignore it and I can’t be angry at myself for feeling bad. Normally I would just shut down and go into a funk but I’m not going to do that today. I’m going to face my bad days with as much strength and power as I face my good days. That’s why I’m here on this journey and this pursuit of peace. I can’t control a lot of things in life but I can control the way I face life – with as much gusto and zest that I can muster.
I’ve been through a lot in my life and I’m not saying that because I want pity and I want people to feel bad for me, I’m saying it because it’s true. Going to a therapist made me realize how much I’ve been through and how much I’ve been punishing myself for it all. I’ve sat on a couch and laid out my life and I’ve cried and cried and my counselor has said, “Atiya, you’ve been through a lot, more than people ever do” and I’ve always kind of known that but I never believed it. I’ve always been angry at myself for all the things I’ve been through and then I’ve projected all that anger and hurt onto the people I care about and it’s like a vicious cycle and now, I’m trying to break that cycle.
(The next part of this post is pretty negative and it might be hurtful to read, so here’s a death/suicide trigger warning)
I’ve been obsessed with the thought of death for a very long time. But I’ve also been terrified of death. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about suicide because I’ve thought about it a lot, actually, more than anyone should. I’ve been at points in my life where I’ve wished for something to kill me because even though I’ve thought about suicide, I’ve been terrified actually doing it. I’ve thought about all the possible ways it could happen, how it would affect the people in my life, the pros and cons of it. I’ve never planned anything or gone through with anything fully but the suicide ideation has been present and prevalent for many years now.
For so long, I believed that not being alive would be best – not just for me but for the people in my life. I’ve believed that the world would be better off without me, that the people in my life, the people I care about, would be better off without me. I’ve believed that somehow, my death and demise would bring them all together; that somehow my death would be a positive. I’ve believed that I’ve been such a burden in their lives that the only way for me to fix things is to cease to exist.
Life hasn’t been easy and the thought that it all could end has been a terrifying beacon of hope and I hate that. I hate that such a thought has taken over so much of my life and I hate that I let it. I hate that when I see a car speeding by, I think about how I could be hit by it. Or when I see a bottle of pills, I think about how easy it would be to take them all. I hate that I have those thoughts and I hate that there are nights when I can’t stop thinking about all of these things and I hate what it does to me.
I’ve pushed people away, in so many ways, because I’ve believed that they would be better off without me. I’ve hurt people with my words and actions because I’ve felt so negative about myself that my anger and pain had to come out someway. I’ve hated myself so much that I’ve doubted every good thing to come my way because I didn’t believe I deserved any of it.
I’ve been a bad friend, a bad sister, a bad daughter, a bad student, a bad human, etc., and all of that has come from my inner angst and pain. It’s not been from me being an awful human being or from me not loving enough or caring enough – it’s been the opposite, actually. I’ve always been looking out for all of them and making sure they’re okay where I’ve neglected myself. On top of that, I’ve taken every little thing upon myself; I’ve blamed myself for every single thing and that’s just added to my hate for myself.
That’s not a healthy way to live. It’s not to say that I shouldn’t love so hard and I shouldn’t care so much – that’s who I am and I love that about myself. I love how much I care and how much I do for others, I love how loyal and passionate I am, and I love giving, that’s my favorite thing to do.
I am the first person to help others. I am there for everyone and I give the best advice and I say the most heartfelt and most genuine things. That’s why I want to be a counselor – because I know I would be so good at it. I know I am a good person and a good ______ (fill in the blank) because I see that and now I just have to believe in it.
I have to be more selfish and I have to care about myself. I have to place blame where blame is due, not just on myself. I have to stop thinking that my existence in this world, in their lives, is a negative. I have to believe that I am enough and that I am worth it.
I have to believe in myself and I have to take a stand. I take responsibility for all the things I’ve done and I take blame for all the things I’m to blame for, but I’m not going to pretend or act like everything about me is bad, because it isn’t. I have my flaws but they don’t outweigh by strengths. I’m a good person and I am enough and I am worth it, I am worth more than I give myself credit for.
I can’t change the past and I can’t change the things I’ve done/the things that have happened, but I’m glad that with 2015 came a need within me to change. Granted, it was triggered by certain events in my life but I am even thankful for that. I have hope. I am hopeful and I believe in myself and I believe in the power of fate and destiny. I believe that things will get better and that what is meant to happen will happen. And in the meantime, I am not going to stop being myself and I won’t stop being the person I can be.
I will be the best version of myself because I’m worth it.